A run around the city

The time is 4.45am when I woke up from a deep and purposeful slumber. I find it a great help that when one sleep with a motivation to do something the next day, one can easily get up and be ready to do so the next day. The body just feels so electrifying and awake. I got down from the top of the bunk bed I was sleeping in and took my bag of toiletries to the common bathroom at the end of the corridor. After a refreshing cold shower, I headed back to change into a lime green running T Shirt, standard issue NS shorts and running shoes. I had $4 in my pocket and a gym face towel hooked to my pants. I was ready.

My journey started at the front of Central Firestation at City Hall, just opposite the Peninsular Hotel and Funan Digitalife Mall. The area is located near a couple of historic landmarks such as the Armenian Church, St Andrew’s Cathedral and a Freemasons Lodge. It was 5.00am, the sun was still making its round up, unable to find the surface which would illuminate this region of the world. At 5.00am, it was a cooling 23-26 degrees Celsius. Unlike the usually stiff and hot afternoons, the morning was very windy and cooling. It was quiet with one or two taxis driving past once in a while. At the front of the large red gates of the oldest fire station in Singapore, I set my watch to start my time.

I started with a slow jog, taking me past the 6 large doors of the fire station; the exit for the emergency fire engines, Red Rhinos and ambulances towards their call of duty. Then the entrance to the Fire Museum. The bronze statues of a few fire fighters at the front of the museum took on a supernatural feeling under the illumination of the light underneath them. This followed by a stretch of greenery that is the foothills of Fort Canning Park to the right as I followed the pathway along Hill St to my left. I passed an overhead bridge and then a bus stop with a couple of people in work suits, presumably waiting to catch the first few buses to their workplaces. After running for quite a while, I found myself running beside the Ministry of Culture, Community and Youth, site of the Old Hill Street Police Station, and I ran along the outskirts of the building, just managing to glimpse a statue of sorts in the inner sanctuary, before arriving at a traffic light which would take me across the Singapore River. The bridge is a small one, one of many I’d cross later on; Coleman Bridge. While waiting for the green light to come on, I managed to enjoy the breeze a little and note that there were no vehicles in sight.

The light came on and I crossed the bridge, making my way towards Central @ Clarke Quay, one of the many shopping malls with mainstream chain stores such as Burger king fast food restaurants  and retailers Giordano and Charles and Keith which can be found all along Eu Tong Sen St up ahead. But I wasn’t headed there. I took a U Turn over a barrier and headed back towards the river where there is an underpass below Coleman Bridge. Now I ran along the famous Boat Quay, along the riverside towards Marina Bay Sands, my eventual target. The first stretch along Boat Quay first took me next to the river where the boats lay still and not operational before I entered yet another, but slightly longer, underpass. I emerged into a long stretch of restaurants, bars and cafes. These ranged from the typical seafood restaurants one might expect along the river, although one should note that fishing is not allowed in the Singapore River, to Mexican bars, Japanese eateries and even a cat café. To my left I no longer get to see the waters of the river as my view is now blocked by restaurant seats ala alfresco dining by the river. But I wasn’t complaining. The unique almost quaint-like feeling as I ran along the lighted path along rows of closed food establishments and overhead decorations more than made up for it. Once in a while, I passed a jogger or two or a couple of tourists ready for a day in the city.

As I continue along Boat Quay, I exited the rows of shophouses into a large open area. I get to see and run along the river again to my left but the shophouses to my right were replaced with tall impending skyscrapers. Singapore city have one of the most variant kinds of architecture. From the more colonial era type of buildings I started from, to the more Asian-like shophouses and flats. The skyscrapers have their own type of distinct features; as if every architect that designed it wanted to stamp their creativity and mark on the Singapore landscape. Each building is so different from the other, it feels like as if the designer looked at every other building, racked his brains for a design he had read about or learnt in school and then said,”Let’s try this!” And it became. The UOB Plaza with its wide spacious foyer, the MayBank building and Standard Chartered Bank towers and many more became as a result.

Here, I ran till the end of Boat Quay, passing the more iconic Cavenagh bridge, and arrived at a large two way road. Behind me is the massive Fullerton Hotel and across the road is One Fullerton, site of one of the once famous club, Butter Factory which had closed down a few months ago. If I had traveled the opposite way of the river, which I had done once before, it would have taken me through the night life sites in Singapore. Lively, mystical and fun at night but empty, quiet, cavernous and eerie at this time of the day. I turned to my left , crossed the road and ran across the Singapore River again. The Singapore River had opened up at this point of place, thus the bridge is a lot longer. Unlike the bridges I passed before, this was not colonial styled but rather a two way road for vehicles with sides for pedestrian to cross. Nevertheless, like most of the city, it was beautifully manicured with pink flowered bushes planted along the bridge. Around this time, the day is finally starting so the sky started to tinge a light orange.

The road I took took me a little farther from the river than I anticipated but upon reaching the traffic light, I cut right and crossed the road to arrive at yet another iconic structure in Singapore, the Esplanade. I ran along Raffles Ave, with the Esplanade’s durian-like spikes to my right and an empty road with one or two parked lorries to my left. I traverse around the Esplanade building by cutting through an unopen food establishment, noting a welcomed change in running trail from concrete pavement to wooden planks. I found myself facing the Singapore River once again, but with it now by my right. Then, I started my run along the river again along the broad walkway, enjoying the breeze and the nice modern scenery of office buildings and hotels.

I reached my favorite place to run across. The Float @ Marina. This area is just so wide and alluring. By this time, the sky was dark tangerine, the wide space enabled cold sea breeze to blow in, ruffling my hair and face towel by my side. The thousands of colourful stand was empty. The floating platform where performances were held was barricaded but I can see across the landscape and spot the sails of the Marina Bay Sands and the Lotus shaped ArtScience Museum across the river. It was picture perfect. The running route takes me straight through between the spectator stands and the floating performance area. I recall attending my brothers NS Passing Out Parade here at around the same time, noticing its beauty back then. I could imagine the F1 cars thundering on the very track I was treading. The moment there made me want to spread my arms wide as I ran against the strong cold win like a marathon runner crossing the finishing line. And frankly, I would not have looked out of place.

After passing a couple of runners there, I reached the end of the stands where I ran up a couple of steps and cut right to cross the river once again. This time, I would cross the new iconic Helix Bridge, shaped like DNA strands twirling around those that walk on the bridge. Across this bridge, I increased my tempo, a feeling of resurgence and renewal, fitting to the structure I was running through, growing as I ran across. Or maybe it was because my running journey was coming to an end. I was reaching Marina Bay Sands.

And reach it, I did. I stopped running and caught my breath. I should have looked back then to view the Float @ Marina Bay but a thing about this city is that there is so much interesting thing in front of you, looking back seems a waste of time. I then entered Marina Bay Sands. In here, the air conditioning was on. To my top, there were impressive arches and when I look down the railing, I see zig zags of escalators. Up ahead, snaking out of sight are rows of luxury shops running parallel to those impressive huge arches upstairs. I took an escalator down one floor and walked across the empty and brightly lit marble floor. There were a few cleaners, security officers and the occasional runners like me and early tourists. I went into the toilet to wash up a little before going into a 24/7 7/11 convenience store in the building and bought myself a Large Big Gulp.  A mix of mostly isotonic drink with just a tinge of coke and Fanta Strawberry to add some flovour does the trick well indeed. That was what my money was for. With my drink, I leisurely walked through the cool shopping arcade, following the arches.

I made my way out of the building to catch sight of Avalon, one of the more high end  “atas” clubs in Singapore, over the water in its cube-like metallic shell. From there, I walked along the river in the direction back to the firestation. I crossed this unique place of sunbathing chairs overlooking the river. With the wind and the openness of the river, I mentally noted what a romantic place this would be to bring our loved one in the early morning. Sometimes, there are the occasional construction workers and a couple or two here but it is usually empty on a weekday morning. And sometimes, you may find me sitting by the water on one of those chairs, watching the sunrise and eating a 7/11 chicken burger.

Afterwards, as I follow the contours of the river, the river took me turning right passing different office buildings with even more impressive looking architecture. I believe one even went on to win an international award just recently. (I wasn’t even referring to the Marina Bay Sands which also won awards for its architecture) There is a point in time here when the road I took no longer ran along the riverside. That was when I panicked a little for the river is how I find my way back. But then I arrived back at the Fullerton area and found my bearings again. This time, I crossed Cavenagh Bridge, which, according to Google Maps, is the fastest way back to the firestation. I walked past construction sites and a park where I passed a memorial, The Cenotaph, to honour the dead during World War 2. Funnily, there was a man sleeping at the base of the memorial and he appeared to be like a dead man on display for the memorial.

 I soon reached Victoria Memorial Hall. The area I am in now all date back to colonial time with many old important buildings such as the Parliament House. White ionic collumns and large clocks seem normal in this area. I continued my journey back and eventually passed the Supreme Court of Singapore. By now it was day and the Sun have already came out. The air also seemed to be hotter now which was why it was a relief when I passed the open entrance of the Supreme Court as the sliding door whooshed open, letting out a wave of cold air. Then, I crossed the road and walked through Funan Digitalife Mall and The Treasury. Finally I found myself facing Fort Canning Park.

There is another route I could traverse which would bring me through Fort Canning Park, another lovely place to run at. instead of passing the very first bus stop and overhead bridge, I could turn right and then head up a long flight of stairs to reach an open sort of plateau at the top of Fort Canning. Turn left and follow a long path curving around Fort Canning Hill with views of Clarke Quay and the clubbing scene of Singapore from an elevation to your left. The morning run through there is also quiet and peaceful. There is also an exercise corner with pull up bars and sit up stations up there along the narrow lane. Its very open and windy as it does face the Singapore River too. The path soon leads you to a flight of stairs down exiting the hill before you follow the path round through Canning Walk and then follow the path through Canning Rise which is downhill thus, very relaxing. You'll pass the Registry of Marriage and a couple of Christian related buildings in the area before passing the Freemasons lodge. Turn right after that and you'll reach the firestation again.

Anyway, at this point facing Fort Canning Park, I threw away my Big Gulp and after crossing the road, started to run towards the firestation. Before long I was sweating and panting in front of the big red gate. I signaled to the firefighter on Guard Duty and he pressed a button such that the automatic red gate swung open. I stepped into the firestation, thanked the fireman and made my way back to bunk. I then prepared myself for my second day shift as an ambulance medic ready to serve the city.

I exist

His eyes stared out the black and white newspaper. There is an intensity to it which made the full-sized image of his eyes on the front page all the more alluring. It screamed of victory, but the underlying and by far, more important message his eyes meant to deliver was “I exist”.

We scream to be heard, to be known and to tell the world we exist. It is not our purpose in life, definitely, for when we die that purpose would be rendered redundant. When we die, there is just no point for our conscious self to be remembered for. Furthermore, out of billions that have lived, only a handful will be remembered for generations, making this “purpose” a rather unattainable one. It is more of an instinct or character which is bred into our human nature because of the circumstances we grew up in, our environment, our situation. One reason could be that the more people there are in the world, the less attention one feels one gets as some people get a lot more attention than others; the Gandhis, the Napolean Bonapartes. As the village grows, a villager would want to stand out and tell the other villagers “I exist!” by being the comic, being the great hunter, being the talented bard, being someone significant. Globalisation became a global phenomenon and people realise the world is actually enormous with so many people. They start accomplishing feats. I want to conquer the world, make my name known. Let me be known as a brave man. I want to be the first to do this. Let me be famous, let the world know who I am. Suddenly we feel so small and insignificant, we feel like our existence might amount to nothing as compared to the universe… Our immediate surrounding is no longer our families. It is the world. In a chronicle, Aristotle was said to once describe to Alexander the Great the vast expanse of Asia and the extent of the Persian Empire. Asia is so big and exciting and so alluring upon learning about that Alexander set his eyes to conquer it. The rest is history. That feeling of smallness makes us want to be bigger.

Mitch Albom explained a reason why people flock to funerals in his book” 7 people you meet in Heaven”. It is that feeling to be remembered. We go to funerals in the hope that others would go to ours upon our demise. This other human behavior, altruistic behavior, is based on survival instincts. The best way to survive is to cooperate. To cooperate, one has to do their part and in turn hope the other would do the same. Common altruistic behavior includes, I go to your wedding, remember to come to mine. I celebrate this, remember to celebrate mine. I lend you money, you owe me one when I need it. Thus in this way, we go to funerals hoping others would repay you by going to ours. It is our natural tendency to want to be remembered.

Similarly, athletes aim to accomplish feats and break records in competitions. They aim for glory. They aim to be written in our history books. Some people go to war and aim to die a hero. Die a glorious death and be remembered a hero. That was a common call and slogan when countries want to recruit for war. And people buy into it, not knowing the eternal glory they hope to find for usually ended in unmarked mass graves. However, this is also the reason why people want to be in a relationship.  When they grow older and think more wisely, they want to be in a long term relationship. They want a relationship “till death do us apart”. This is the reason why we have a tendency to clamor to be with someone, why it is a natural norm in all societies to form couples. We want to feel remembered and feel cherished by someone else. Every single day that someone will remember you and tell you, “you exist”. They are our most probable chance to be remembered by. We have our parents, then our spouses, then our children and hopefully our grandchildren. But our spouses will most likely be there the majority of our lives. That is the principle of relationships. To know a person as what they are and acknowledge them. Acknowledge that you exist and acknowledge that you are alive.

Another possible situation which makes us so self-conscious about us wanting to exist is that our mortality scares us; the prospect of not existing after our death scares us. The thought that our time is finite makes us want to be more immortal. I talked about “immortal thoughts and mortal body” in Thought is the illusion of Utopia. We create and extend our thoughts and beings into the world to “extend” our mortality. Some “part” of us can live on in this world. Some idea, some beliefs or some “self”. That is why poets and artists proudly sign their name on their masterpieces. A boss signs his name on important notices and documents. The end credits in a film feel so important to those who made the film that they must be present. We name companies and buildings or roads after ourselves. Traditional Asian communities remember and respect their ancestors with statues or plaques of their ancestors’ names or faces in temples or living spaces. We create graves to mark our burial spot. We want to tell the world I exist. We want to tell the world I am immortal. I was here. A person wants to stamp their mark on this Earth, saying I lived. It is a temporal feeling of greatness and infinity. A delusion of sorts to live forever. I exist.

Last of all, writing this and knowing some people read this makes me feel a tinge of pride and happiness. I am telling people I exist. It is an interesting topic to write about; existence. That is surely an exciting topic to delve upon. It’s a strange and scary thing really, about existence. Our purpose. Our life. So vast a potential but yet no answers. The randomness and possibility of choices. The realm of our physical environment. There is definitely a grand scheme of things. I have to believe that because not believing in that would mean living is useless and futile. We might as well not exist. We lose our purpose of existing. So there must be a reason. A reason why I can think and create. A reason that I AM. A test? Maybe. That is the choice I took. But for now, I am just surely and gladly able to say. I Exist.

Diary entry: I sat up and cried

This is one of those days when I was given ample time to close my eyes and relax. One of those days when I could lie back down and think about my past weeks. But then I got uneasy and sat up. I pray and cry for I am a sinner. I am an elitist with no heart. I don't make geniune connections. I don't care to do so. Silence is my comfort and rationality is my motivation.

For years I create my own zone. One I adore, one I live in. For in reality, my home is always empty, cold and disappointing. The support I clamor even at home is never there and while my siblings find for it outside, I find for it inside.

I remember 5 years ago, I made a routine. Every night I would workout and then I'll read the Quran for about 3 pages. Every single night. Then I'll cry, be motivated the next day. But then the void came, first the fighting. The shouting. Then the betrayal. The silence. For so long, the silence. My selfishness came. I made rules for myself. I created priorities. I wanted to succeed and expand my zone where I will never feel bad ever again. I never trust, I only do things my way. I do things I love and politely smile and ignore the things I don't love. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm just in my zone.

Let me tell you a little about my zone. It's a really funny place. I find everything about life funny. I smile and laugh a lot in real life even when I am alone and people find it weird. A private joke I share with my mind. I'm sorry. I never felt alone, for I have ME. And me, is seriously so funny.. As a result I always thought myself as independent, never lonely. I do things I love, go out to the movies alone once in a while, go for meditation classes, lectures, discussion groups, book clubs. I go out on dates without a single intention of hooking up, just maybe looking for.someone to share my zone with.. Maybe. I enjoy once in a while opening and sharing my zone with people I barely know before closing it again. I made a lot of friends. Friends with no real connections. Connected by a passion for doing an activity I was exploring and enjoying for my own zone.

My faith faltered. It had reignited back a little upon contact with a chance source 2 years ago, but it always grow dim. Dim into hypocrisy. I club, I drink, I sin. Time again, step by step I prioritise the world over the next. It started when I let a certain guy into my zone and I was introduced to a world of sin. Just last week, I found myself in a hotel room with 12ppl, and only 3 of them I knew. Two of them I only ever met once before. I had a typical night of fun, drinking games and doing crazy stuff. It was a hell lot of fun. I don't care about zones, I was in the zone. The zone I never thought I'd be in 5 years ago.

So I sat up and thought. I wonder what it's like to care about someone and to share for once with someone. I had planned to do so eventually but I never knew when. You will think I'm weird when I share you my world. But this is me. It have been for years. I sat up and cried for the sinner I have become. For losing my initial priorities. For losing my faith, which had been the good times before the silence. I ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I ask again and again. I cry for the lost and selfish sinner I have become. I mean no one harm.
Please someone understand me.