Diary entry: I sat up and cried

This is one of those days when I was given ample time to close my eyes and relax. One of those days when I could lie back down and think about my past weeks. But then I got uneasy and sat up. I pray and cry for I am a sinner. I am an elitist with no heart. I don't make geniune connections. I don't care to do so. Silence is my comfort and rationality is my motivation.

For years I create my own zone. One I adore, one I live in. For in reality, my home is always empty, cold and disappointing. The support I clamor even at home is never there and while my siblings find for it outside, I find for it inside.

I remember 5 years ago, I made a routine. Every night I would workout and then I'll read the Quran for about 3 pages. Every single night. Then I'll cry, be motivated the next day. But then the void came, first the fighting. The shouting. Then the betrayal. The silence. For so long, the silence. My selfishness came. I made rules for myself. I created priorities. I wanted to succeed and expand my zone where I will never feel bad ever again. I never trust, I only do things my way. I do things I love and politely smile and ignore the things I don't love. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm just in my zone.

Let me tell you a little about my zone. It's a really funny place. I find everything about life funny. I smile and laugh a lot in real life even when I am alone and people find it weird. A private joke I share with my mind. I'm sorry. I never felt alone, for I have ME. And me, is seriously so funny.. As a result I always thought myself as independent, never lonely. I do things I love, go out to the movies alone once in a while, go for meditation classes, lectures, discussion groups, book clubs. I go out on dates without a single intention of hooking up, just maybe looking for.someone to share my zone with.. Maybe. I enjoy once in a while opening and sharing my zone with people I barely know before closing it again. I made a lot of friends. Friends with no real connections. Connected by a passion for doing an activity I was exploring and enjoying for my own zone.

My faith faltered. It had reignited back a little upon contact with a chance source 2 years ago, but it always grow dim. Dim into hypocrisy. I club, I drink, I sin. Time again, step by step I prioritise the world over the next. It started when I let a certain guy into my zone and I was introduced to a world of sin. Just last week, I found myself in a hotel room with 12ppl, and only 3 of them I knew. Two of them I only ever met once before. I had a typical night of fun, drinking games and doing crazy stuff. It was a hell lot of fun. I don't care about zones, I was in the zone. The zone I never thought I'd be in 5 years ago.

So I sat up and thought. I wonder what it's like to care about someone and to share for once with someone. I had planned to do so eventually but I never knew when. You will think I'm weird when I share you my world. But this is me. It have been for years. I sat up and cried for the sinner I have become. For losing my initial priorities. For losing my faith, which had been the good times before the silence. I ask God for forgiveness and guidance. I ask again and again. I cry for the lost and selfish sinner I have become. I mean no one harm.
Please someone understand me.