The actual fact is, I used to really don't. Why did I choose to join Linguistics then? My answer back then was probably because I wanted to find out about society; why people act as they do or why are people presumably preprogrammed to be a certain way. I never felt the answer is embedded in the individual state of mind and is in fact, due to social structural coupling with one's environment (I am the product of my environment). A part of my determination to find this out was because of certain characteristics and behaviour of people around me which starkly contrasts to my model of what being normal was and how it seemed to me as if people are somehow thinking differently than I was about everything from work to social activities. And many serious readings later, I felt that Language must hold an extremely vital key to understanding society for Language is like a barometer of culture. That was why I initially chose to take up Linguistics. I chose due to my piqued desire to understand my world, and was not necessarily motivated by my future prospects.
I grew frustrated with how human systems in real life works, how inefficient things are done and how, almost stagnant life appeared to be. Thus, I wanted to be in a position to exact change in society's structure and watch how people can change to what I thought will be a better system to live in. I wanted to be a lawyer. A lawyer creates the fundamental blocks of the society. Without law, there is chaos. A lawyer have enormous autonomy and they are the people who actually KNOW society for what it is. They have to be the masters of every profession and know the workings of the said profession's social structure to be able to do their job competently. For example, if they were to work on a lawsuit involving a Chemical company, they have to know the workings of the chemical industry to be able to offer help which even the chemical industry specialists are unable to provide. I also thought of being perhaps, a doctor. I once witnessed a private doctor attempting to diagnose a patient when I was on duty as an ambulance medic. Doctors have enormous autonomy in their specific field as they have to truly understand the complex human bodies and why it is as it is in different conditions. I witnessed this doctor as he slowly probed here and questioned there and after a lengthy process, came up with a solution to a woman's intense stomach pain. The doctor understood what he was doing and he was not simply going through "strict" and "mindless" procedures which he do not understand of its rationality; he understood the reason behind every of his actions. That interested me immensely of course, because I wanted to know why things are as it is. A doctor felt like as if they hold a key to "truth" itself! Of course, I do know the financial stability and attractiveness of these jobs and I believe they also influenced my decision in choosing these specialised occupation. However, due to my ignorance and self-pitying mentality in JC, the prospect of these occupations seems too far. At the very least, I also thought that I could jump ship to medical school after a year in Linguistics if all things goes well. I don't subscribe to the part of creating a better system for society now, for I have learnt through experience that what you think is good may not actually be good, even if you are the master of the subject. Society is as it is due to some reason you just have yet to uncover.
A certain experience in NS also made me reflect on my future and how bleak and uncertain it really was, but the experience also interestingly made me understand a lot about myself; what I like and what I am. Many people said I am weird, so I suppose my actions and motivations are incompatible of general society but it is what I feel to be right. I really do like to try new things and meet new people and then attempt to understand them. And back then, during my national service days, I flitted around and experienced many things. Acting in a local film where I met famous actors, a talented film crew and film hobbyists, joined a Meditation interest group where I met Meditation enthusiasts and international "masters", clubbing with NS friends from my training phase and tried to make friends with Ah Bengs and international students, taking up debates in Philosophy interest groups etc. It really interests me to find out the rationale behind why these certain parts of society work and why people do these certain things. My junior medics, in particular, was a simply fascinating prospect to try to understand. During my stint as an ambulance medic, my closest friend I had was this gangster who had all this inherent predispositions about society. I had an absolute fascinating time trying to understand from his point of view during the long hours just talking with him as we lie around talking about life. Its not rationality or logic that governs really dense social networks sometimes, but inherent culture and I actually started to understand a lot from his point of view (which he takes a very strong stance on) about the way things are! Also, later on, two junior medics came into the station, who are both international students (that exclusive segregated group of rich kids brought up in an "ang moh" environment). Their mannerisms and even rationalism was so intriguing. They brought about a different culture of rationality and logic based on really sound reasoning. (I would advise you to not argue against them without prior practice or you will look like the fool.) And these culture is so deep it appears in all the social activities they partake in. For example, my gangster buddy enjoys partaking in "stupid" pranks - mindless pranks meant to hurt another person's so-called esteem and expound on one's already perceived social characteristics. For example, continuously insinuating someone about someone's baldness and weight or tying another person up and then tickling them as a "present". On the other hand, my "ang moh" friends partake in creative banter which tries to insinuate someone through a logical pattern of predetermined concepts about life but they somehow seem to take into account other people's working of their own minds in the process. So, when they banter, they seemingly synchronise with another person's thought patterns and logically deduce another person's ability to match their line of thought but also with an end goal of not harming and possibly enhancing their own status quo. A lot of rationality goes behind such actions.
Thus, before I diverge too much, I wish to conclude this way. All my actions are motivated along this desire: To experience and to understand. Once things start to feel mundane and once things appear to have a basis of commitment which "drags" me into a "comfort zone", that is when I start to feel bogged down by life. I simply cannot stay in one place and must be in a position to do something else and I felt that if I become too "close" with people, it would mean that I am entering into a cycle of conformity and comfort zone which I dread. My mind would be simply bursting to even commit to maintain what I felt to be meaningless ties (Calm down, I have a slightly different view regarding this now :))
I never meant to change the perceptions of others, nor to influence their thoughts, actions and desires because what I believe is, society works because people are just as they are and if some alien idea were to infect this stable social fabric, society will be affected tremendously. Instead, I am very conscious about the principles I have to adhere to and the goals I have set for myself. If I believe in my job and the reason behind why I take up the job in the first place, I will place full effort to ensure its success. People who have worked with me probably would have noticed that I am very serious at work. If work is work, I never mix it up with time for socialising nor chilling. I actually have a timetable for every single day of my life since I started university. I was doing well for my first semester, scoring an average of 4.5/5 for my cGPA. However, my letdown during my second semester of Year 2 was due to an overload of work where even my detailed schedule cannot accommodate. I apparently had too many commitments which ate up so much of my time, in the end, I actually had to give in half-baked work for almost all my commitments. (I joined a lot of Hall activities, had to set aside 2 hours a week to learn Photoshop and video filming/ editing and literally cut off 2 weeks of my time for an exchange.) As a result, my cGPA dropped to a 4.3/5. This time, I have stepped down from some positions and will be selective towards the commitments I promise to make. A friend of mine, Azzam, recently commented that I have a desire to influence others. That got me bewildered for I am the most strongest proponent for self-determination. I simply hate to try to change others or let others change me because one of my deepest principles is you are what you want to become based on your OWN beliefs and rationales. If others try to change you or wishes harm on you, they have a problem, or some selfish objective. You see, your problem is your problem. If you need help, you can ask for it. If people don't ask for help, then don't assume they need help. Different people have different approaches and rationales about working and life. This is also the same mindset people who go for Overseas CIP should adopt. A lesson from an OCIP trip to Cambodia in J2 made me understood this notion. Some people, no matter how pitiful they seem to YOU, doesn't necessarily need your help. They could be so much happier the way they are, even happier than you. What you can do, however, is to understand what they want and see what you can offer with what you have.
Until before Semester 2, I never believed in committing to relationships, although I definitely believed in creating them. Being in relationships means forcing yourself into a dense social network and creating a comfort zone for yourself. It also means exposing all your weaknesses and thoughts. In this aspect, I felt that doing this was a waste of time and not practical to life. My mindset was changed when I met this particular group, the You Damn Nerd Please group from my Linguistics course. Initially, I never thought I would even be close to them and instead, would be closer to my OG group, the Yakuza people whom I actually enjoyed their company. But my tutorials seemingly always coincide with the former group and with a lot of cajoling from some and being convinced about the importance of friendship ties, I thought I have to commit to a relationship with these bunch of "Nerds". Once I started caring for every aspect of each of their individual lives, I come to see the point of maintaining relationships, the fun it brings and the assurance of people who are there for you when you need them. I actually care about their thoughts, ideals and future although I have to remember to never intercede with them. In the moment, I will just let things go as they are, find out things about them casually and then see if I can assist them in any way possible for this is the essence for caring about others. I actually have a better relationship with my parents from the lessons I gained from my friendship with these unlikely bunch of people. (Fucking Nerds who keep on saying they never do shit but actually Nerds hardcore ^^ hahaha)
So now, I am trying to live with a paradox, to lie in comfort or to go about my usual free-spirited endeavours. I do know that in the end, my future career must lie in my strengths and values. The Absolute basics to career module made me ask this fundamental question as to what I want to be. I know that I excel well in subjects I rationalise as important for me. (For example, business law when I had the desire to know how businesses, society and law work and sociology when I wanted to know how society works.) A part of me felt I did not give as much effort on my Linguistics modules because I had no actual care for the content itself due to its relevancy. (Except those concerning society and meaning.) I only wanted good grades then to be able to gain the chance to move to Medical school. Just like learning a language, in order to do well, you have to love the content of the subject. Thus, my reason for my blogpost is this. I have found a new drive and it coincidentally coincide with my Linguistics major. After hearing about the exploits and the stories of some Linguistics professors -particularly Alec, I really want to be a Field Linguist and researcher. I want to seek to understand people and cultures and to experience new things from the eyes of a Linguistic researcher. As such, I will need all the relevant skills in linguistics to be able to do that. (Phonetics, Transcription etc) In order to be a Field Linguist, I have to be really good at my content. This drive have been driving me lately and I felt the enthusiasm of learning again, similar to the enthusiasm I had felt while experiencing "Light Visualization Meditation" or doing my first acting scene. Also, to be able to dedicate towards a life of being a researcher, I also have to be good enough to be able to take a Masters and to be recognized in the academic scene. I hope people will not hinder me from my new goals for I am serious in seeing to its success. This blogpost also serves as a timely post for me to read again and be inspired by my surge of motivation during darker times.
I will leave abruptly and not take too much of your and my time. I will leave this message for both myself and whoever is reading. I got this from an advice from one of my favourite orator, Jason Silva of Shots of Awe fame. It is actually the advice from his mother for him. "Just do what you love and don't worry about anything else, don't worry about money. Just be kind to everyone and do what you love. As long as you are not hurting anybody else, as long as you are being kind to people and you're doing what you love, only good things can come of it."
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